What is fear other than a word the human race has made up? Is it an emotion or a state of being? Is it calming or freaking out? There are a lot of things I'm afraid of these days but a few are standing out to me recently. 1) My surgery is making me panic. 2) I am worrying about my church, even though there is nothing I can do to fix it. 3) I'm realizing that keeping up with high school friends truly is hard work.
The fear that revels inside these three statements cripples me as I spend the holidays in Indianapolis with my family. My anxiety is boiling up so much I'm turning white... I could use a wooden spoon right now to keep me from boiling over. The idea of yet another surgery is scary and calming at the same time. I'm freaked out to be going under the knife once again, and I use that statement because this will be my 5th surgery, reminder that I'm only 20 years old. It's so present that it's almost a joke to friends and family, while they aren't worried at all I'm in a slight panic in my head. Going into surgery is never easy, but this one just seems un-necessary to some people. It's fixing a problem that should have already been fixed, I've already had one surgery on my shoulder, why do I need yet another? Well, because it never truly healed, which is on both myself and my old doctor. Being put under anesthetic is a scary thing for anyone, but this time it seems even worse. This time, one of the pain blocks they will be using could affect my asthma, something that has become a lot worse since the last surgery I had done in 2011. But, being nervous will only make it worse, so I'm trying to relax.
Then there's my church. Faith Presbyterian was my home away from home. It's where I found the strength to stand up for myself as a Christian and where I met my best friend. Leaving that church was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do and honestly came into the decision when it came time to choose a college. Leaving that family was a huge factor, but I eventually chose my education over it. I and a few others made a promise to stick around, always being there on the other end of the phone when necessary, but things have slowly slipped away. Contact became less and less frequent, often I go months without hearing from the people I used to call home. Then when our youth director moved on in her career, things really hit home. I was no longer considered a youth and wasn't included in any of the discussions like I normally was. My heart began to sank. The people I loved most were fading away and there just wasn't anything I could do. Still to this day, things feel like they are breaking apart. Friendships are faltering, respect that was once there is lost, familiar faces are leaving left and right. When I walk through those doors, it feels like walking into a war zone and it has become incredibly apparent that there is nothing I can do to make it better. I'm not around enough to see just how bad it really is and that scares me. I have always been a fixer, I enjoy making things better and seeing them improve and this aspect of my life just keeps falling apart, no matter what I do.
When I left for college everyone told me that change was hard, staying close with the one's you loved most would become a challenge and working at coming home would become more difficult as college would soon become your new home. My mom constantly reminds me that I have "Moved to Missouri" so why do I keep bringing things back to Indianapolis... well because I can't let go of a place I have lived my entire life. Indianapolis is where my friends and family all can come together and still be around. I never imagined that staying close to my closest of friends would be hard, but it is. Texts become less frequent, video chats take up less time and when we do make it home it isn't always top priority to see each other. I never imagined this would happen, I never thought that I could become someone, well something that would be blown off by these people. And it scares me.
So again, I ask what is fear? Is it being calm yet panicked? Is it missing something yet moving on? Is it keeping promises that one can't truly keep? Fear is a word, but it is also so much more than that. It can become something that takes over, and I have to get it under control in order to feel secure. I know that this is the case, I just have to take some time to figure it out.
With fear in my heart,
"We consume our tomorrows fretting about our yesterdays." - Persius