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Refusing to Sink

Stories are such a weird word... but I have always been a writer. If you guys know me at all, you know that I enjoy the blogging side of writing and that's where I have been documenting my experiences so far this time around. I don't always blog, and it's not always about weight but it often is about being healthy, but that can be so many things. Physical, mental, personal... health to me is always a struggle and I plan to always work towards being better.

I have always, always, always struggled with my weight. Being overweight has just always been a part of my life. That sounds awful, but it's true. I remember being in first grade and thinking I was bigger than the rest of the kids around me. I also remember feeling out of place and uncomfortable in my own skin. As I grew up I started hiding food, because I knew it was unhealthy what I was doing to myself. After years and years of not knowing what this was called or why I struggled with it a therapist told me it was called Binge Eating Disorder, and that I wasn't alone. Although there is no cure or anything along those lines, I can train myself to eat better and learn not to need to hide food. I still struggle, there are still foods that make me want to binge eat, mainly cereal and candy things. But, I have been working on it. One thing I have learned is that dieting DOES NOT WORK for me. It's a slow process, a change over time and the more I have accepted that the better I have felt every day. Since Christmas I have dropped around 15 pounds and I can see it in ways I never imagined. Clothes look better on me, jeans fit more comfortably, and I'm also beginning to feel comfortable in my own skin.

My weight loss is so much more than a number on a scale though, it's about acceptance of what I can and cannot control. About learning to take control and take charge of the things I've been handed control of and learning to work at being a better friend, daughter, sister and all around person. Learning that my depression, anxiety and eating disorder don't define me and that most of all I can change myself if I work on it and lean on others. Leaning on others for support has been crucial. Even though I'm only a month and a week out of surgery I have been learning that my workouts aren't about killing myself in the gym or eating nothing during the day. Walking to campus is often enough for my body in one day.

After being an athlete for so many years, it was easy to push myself physically, but my

body suffered. For the first time in 2 years, my left leg doesn't cramp up every time I walk up a flight or two of stairs because I have actually bothered to let it heal properly, and take the time necessary for myself. I plan on doing the same for my shoulder.

But, I refuse to use this as an excuse and I will continue to work at improving myself in all aspects of my life. Last semester at school I truly let the anxiety and depression get the best of me. I was given all the tools to be a stronger healthier person, but didn't use them.. this semester I refuse to do that. Because I refuse to sink. Hebrews 6:19 says, "Hope anchors the soul." And I have hope for a better, stronger life and I promise that it will continue to be there. That's why I have this tattooed on my heels.


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