I wish I could say that this summer has been easy. It has been the opposite of easy, I have been racking my brain attempting to understand how I let myself get to where I am right now. For three weeks I have been questioning my reasons for doing what I want to do, where I am in life, who I am with and so much more. I have been pretty honest most of my young adult life about my struggles with depression and anxiety, I have learned that by being a little more transparent in this area, I can let people in, let them help me. Depression does not mean I sit in the corner all day, it doesn't mean I'm not involved, but it does mean I struggle sometimes and this summer I have struggled.
Three weeks ago I got news that I had been dismissed from the University of Missouri. My dream school, my dream program, my home. I didn't open the email until past 10 o'clock that Thursday night and it devastated me. I called in my mom because I was at home and just cried. That Friday I was broken, it was the hardest day I had experienced in so long. For some reason, I couldn't understand why I struggled so much over the last two years, this is something I used to be amazing at, going to school used to be simple, I was surrounded by friends and taking classes and doing homework, no problem. College challenged that for me.
To be completely honest I didn't know I was on Academic Probation for the Spring Semester, I don't remember receiving the email about it because I got it three days after having shoulder surgery. My head was in a different place, I have no memory of this email coming in, just as I don't remember Christmas Day.
But, I can't blame that. I can't blame so many things that I want to blame, things I'm used to blaming. I can't 100% place the blame on my depression, or anxiety, or the surgery or work... because I was at the root of it all. I still lacked the drive to want to go to anything. I put more attention into my love of MizzouThon and STRIPES and Sigma Phi Lambda and attempted to hide away all the bad grades that were mentally crushing me inside by being a star in my extracurriculars.
For so long I have put other things before myself, before my mental, physical and emotional health. Since coming to college I have gained 70 pounds. That's 35 pounds a year. That's insane. I used to be an amazing athlete, I used to be able to run a mile, and walk without getting winded, but that's all in the past. I am ashamed to say that I have let myself go, and not just physically. I stopped challenging myself to do better, I stopped pushing myself to go to class and to do the work I so desperately needed to do.
I have always known that I busy myself. I throw myself into as many other things as possible to avoid facing the reality, whatever that reality is at the time. In high school, it was feeling inadequate, not feeling as though I deserved to be there, but here in college, I have been hiding from my grades. From something I used to take pride in, something I used to love to do. I have mastered letting my body physically break before letting myself have a break. I do this in sports, in school, in health. I have learned to confront the fear that stands between me and my weight, what causes me to want to eat instead of do what I need to do, but I haven't figured that out physically yet, how to not force my body into illness just to avoid doing what is needed of me.
When I talk about this, well type about this, it makes me sad. I know it should make me feel better and eventually I think it will, but right now I can't feel anything. I'm kind of in limbo.
Stuck in the in-between. I don't know if the Appeals Committee is going to let me back into Mizzou, which scares me beyond belief. So, I sit here on this Wednesday, and I am waiting. I could receive the email that will tell me what i'm doing for the next year or so in 3 minutes, or in 3 days. So I'm waiting. I'm anxious and it freaks me out.
So while my friends are off doing amazing things, going to Greece, and coming back from Disney internships and being camp counselors and so many other things, I'm waiting. I have done what I can do and now I will sit and wait to hear what they think is best for me.
For now, I will find things that can keep me busy. And if I am let back in to the University, I will do everything I can to be better. Find out what makes me tick, what makes me not want to work the way I should. But, until then... I wait in limbo.
Bina
"Human spirit is the ability to face the uncertainty of the future with curiosity and optimism. It is the belief that problems can be solved, differences resolved. It is a type of confidence. And it is fragile. It can be blackened by fear and superstition." - Bernard Beckett
UPDATE!
As of June 25, 2015 I have been readmitted to the University on my final Academic Probation. So, at this point I will be attending Mizzou!