Almighty and forgiving God, I come to you now tired but full of life.
The path to be here where I am today has been exhausting. Not only physically, but emotionally and spiritually as well.
I have felt anger, resentment and frustration these past months. Not only towards myself, but towards you and towards those around me.
Nine months ago, I was sitting in my parent’s house attempting to figure out what plan you had set for me. All I knew was that I wasn’t where you were calling me, I had been ignoring it.
It was through illness that I allowed my heart to be open to you again, to feel the pain my life was in, and to listen for the scariest words I could hear.
I didn’t feel ready.
How could I be ready, when I was still in treatment for an eating disorder that had almost killed me?
How could you be calling me now, at my most broken, at my most worn down, to minister to those, when I could barely minister to myself?
Stability in work and life wasn’t what my plan was for these past months, so I listened. I jumped into the deep end with nothing other than you beside me.
Gasping for air in the water took so much energy.
Lord, but you provided. In my time of deepest and sincerest need, you were there.
You pulled my head above the water and shined a light into the open doors of work, friends, family and treatment.
As much confusion and pain that the past few months have brought, they have also provided me so much hope Lord, and for that I am thankful.
God, you are awe-inspiring.
You saw me at my lowest, the point of no return, and rather than turning your cheek, you lifted your hand to me, guiding my path to you.
Lord, as clear as this path has been, I ask that you make this path of seminary just as clear. That you provide in me a heart for discernment and grace.
Each decision made as clear as the one before, but when the decision is unsure, Lord, I pray you grant my heart peace for not all things are to made clear now.
Lord, I pray that when things seem unbearable that you remind my heart to turn to you, and look for you in the moments when it is easier to turn away.
Every moment in our lives is filled with decision and yet you know every moment of my life before I have ever lived one. Grant me peace in knowing you have laid my life before me, leaning on you in the moments of unrest.
I am in awe of your works around us, a world created by design, a world in which we all fall, and yet you forgive us anyway.
We don’t deserve your grace, but you give it to us anyway.
Because, in you Christ we are forgiven, and we are Children of God and how almighty and wonderful that is.
Lord, I pray that when I feel like running, you remind me of your everlasting love. That nothing we do could ever make you not love us.
I may never feel full peace, Lord, but in you there is plenty. Because through you I have been formed like you, and that is enough.
Thank you for all you have given me Lord, all that my life is right now, has been in the past, and will be in the future.
And when the time comes Lord, let me show this peace to those around me. In our suffering, we can find ourselves, and share that love and grace with one another.
Amen.